Candy from a Baby
by Txenriks
Summary: In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything seems to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK! [AxelxRoxas]
1. Chapter 1

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**Title:** Candy from a baby

**Author:** Txenriks

**Summary:** In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK! AxelxRoxas

**Rating:** T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... sigh For reasons that soon become apparent.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, Axel would have NEVER DIED EVER and he and Roxas would be able to live, laugh, love, and cry, happily ever after, running into the sunset... I also don't own Rice Krispies. . Otherwise Snap Krackle and Pop would be a lot hotter looking. And they'd wear leather. Lots of leather..

Anyway, don't come crying to me just because the characters have been a little OOC-ified for the sake of humor, kk? Review, and fluffy bunnies will come to worship your feet.

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These days, Roxas liked to lay still, thinking, for a long time after he woke up. Unwilling to shatter the peace of the morning, he would close his eyes, letting Axel's warmth sink into his back.

Axel- thank God for Axel. He had saved Roxas from a fate worse than death-  
...another year with his parents.

Roxas'd been trying to move out ever since he'd started attending the private school a few towns away, saying that he needed to live closer to campus. But he was underage, and his parents wouldn't have it. That, and they wanted him nearby so they could foist him off on blind dates with random girls his age. He couldn't stand it any more, so he planned to run away- and actually, he'd first met Axel while trying to climb down the side of his house. Interesting story, but one for another time.

Meeting Axel had helped calm down Roxas a bit (it was nice to have a friend to vent to)- but the guilt he started to feel around his parents once he and Axel started dating was worse. It was Axel who had come up with the solution to his problem. The older boy invited himself to dinner at Roxas's house one night, and put on the show of both their lifetimes.

Axel was wonderful. For days after the dinner, all that came out of Roxas's parents' lips was garbage about "Sweet Axel, polite Axel, trustworthy Axel..." The list goes on and on. But anyway, of course when Axel "heard" about Roxas's too-far-from-school predicament, he offered to let Roxas move into his house. And Roxas's parents couldn't resist those big, green eyes. So of course they said yes. They even said that they hoped Axel could "become like a member of the family"... ha, riight. Just not in the brotherly way that they'd hoped.

Roxas knew he should eventually try to fix things with his parents. He'd seen far too many rebellious teens turn into criminal, suicidal, or mentally disordered adults. But what was he supposed to do? Walk up to them and say, "Yeah, mom, dad. I'm not gay, really! There's just this one guy who I happen to really like, who I also happen to have had sex with... But I'm not gay, honest! Don't disown me!"

...It wasn't entirely untrue. Roxas didn't really think of himself as gay. He didn't check out other hot guys, not even in the regretful sort of way that a married man looks at the bosomy blond down the street. In fact, he'd never had feelings for anyone- guy or girl- besides Axel. It was like Axel was his exception- _the_ exception to_ all_ the rules. Sexuality had nothing to do with it, for Roxas anyway. It was Axel himself that mattered, not his gender. (He could have been a talking penguin, and though it would have been really weird at first, Roxas probably would have still loved him.) If other people were homosexual or heterosexual... then he was Axelsexual.

(author's note: nosebleed Um, yah... Axelsexual should SO be added to the dictionary. It's my new favorite word of the year. Of the decade. Of the century. OF THE MILLENIUM! OF THE EON!)

Roxas wanted to ask Axel if he felt the same way. But he could very well imagine what would happen if he walked up to his lover and asked, "Hey, Axel, are you Roxasexual?" Axel had a libido as long and wide as... certain other parts of his being, and "sex" was its trigger word. It had been bad enough early last year in Health class when the as-of-then innocent Roxas had to sit there in sex ed, wondering why his friend was staring at him with such an... ancy expession.

(Luckily, it hadn't taken him too long to figure it out- after only two classes of sex ed, Axel had broken down and jumped Roxas on their way home from school. Not that that was a BAD thing. But it was a_ good_ thing that Axel had graduated this year, no matter how much Roxas would miss him. If they'd been stuck in another year of health class together, then he was fairly certain that the class would have been treated to some very real sexual education right there on the teacher's desk.)

He'd moved into Axel's house a few weeks ago, but he still felt... self-conscious about the whole idea. The neighbors looked at them funny, and that sneaky old harridan across the street would use any excuse to spy on them. Roxas wasn't surprised, and it wasn't only because they were openly a couple. Axel was one of those people who are difficult to age- but he sure didn't look like he was only one year older than Roxas's 17. He looked like he could be anywhere from 19 to 25, but he had the hyperactivity of a 6 year old, a ten year old's sense of humor, the perversion of an old man, and occasionally, the love and sensibility of someone far beyond his years. All this, wrapped into a package of messy crimson hair, blinding green eyes, and a flashing grin, to create the stubborn, flirtatious, passionate boy that Roxas loved.

...Not that Roxas's love could change their neighbor's opinions on the matter. Of course, it didn't help that Roxas hadn't grown much since he was fifteen. No wonder the neighbors thought Axel was some kind of pedophile kidnapper rapist. And the noises that came from Axel's house at night probably did nothing to dispel the notion...

Roxas suppressed the urge to giggle uncontrollably, not wanting to wake Axel. He needn't have worried, though- his thoughts were soon interrupted by a cheerful voice in his ear. "Good morning, Roxy!" The greeting was quickly followed by many pokes, proddings, and ticklings on the part of Axel's hands, and many squirmings on the part of Roxas. "C'mon, you know I don't get out of bed without you, and I'm hooongry."

That was the understatement of all time. Axel was _always_ "hooongry". Some people thought he was anorexic because of his unnatural thinness, but really Axel had such an unnaturally high metabolism that he had to eat like a horse just to keep from wasting away.

So Roxas allowed himself to be dragged downstairs and be plopped in front of the table. Axel busied himself with god-knows-what at the kitchen counter, while Roxas tried to get his eyelids unglued from each other. A few seconds later, the room was filled with the merry chatter of our good elf pals, Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Roxas wondered vaguely if putting a knife through their cereal box pictures would make the noise stop. Probably not, he decided regretfully.

Axel slid into the seat next to him, bringing two bowls of Rice Krispies with him. Roxas managed to smile and lift a spoonful of the stuff to his mouth... He had already chewed and swallowed it before his brain registered that something was wrong. He just couldn't quite put his finger on it. He thought about it for a few moments, distracted by the sight of Axel gobbling down his own bowl of talkative cereal.

Oh, right. His mouth was on fire. Huh.

Roxas gasped and _lunged_ for the refrigerator's water dispensor, the feeling of an inferno in his mouth having finally kicked into full blast.

"What?" Axel asked, voice curious and innocent. "Too much habenero? Or is it the tabasco sauce...?"

Roxas gulped water for several more seconds before he could attempt to reply. Even then, he clung to the fridge like a dying man. "Axel... Axel, that was THE spiciest thing I've EVER eaten IN MY LIFE." By then, the acid eating into his taste buds had returned, and he turned back to the water dispensor.

Don't get him wrong. Roxas liked spicy foods as much as the next guy. But when it came to cooking, Axel had an INSANE pepper fetish. _Probably that was why he always smells so good._ Roxas thought. _So...pleasantly spicy._

Roxas pulled himself back onto his chair, mouth numb. "Next time, Axel... let me make my own cereal. I don't have your tolerance to spicy foods, remember?"

"Right. Sorry..." The redhead looked geniunely sad, so of course Roxas just _had_ to lean over and kiss him. Now that his tounge was basically dead, the taste of tabasco lingering on Axel's lips actually wasn't that bad. Pretty delicious, to tell the truth. Maybe he should give Tabasco Krispies another shot- just with a lot less enthusiasm when shaking the bottle, next time. And if only he could use Axel's mouth instead of a bowl...yeah. That'd be perfect.

Roxas flushed when the sudden sound of a doorbell woke him from his reverie. With a sigh, he let go of Axel and walked towards the front door. "Yep- don't bother getting up, 'cause I _love_ answering doors while wearing boxers, thanks ever so much..." Despite his sarcasm, he couldn't help but beam when the tirade caused Axel to chuckle behind him.

He crossed the remainder of the hallway to the front door, his bare feet making little padding noises against the wood floor. He grasped the ornate handle and swung the door open, peeking out into the outside world apprehensively. "Hello?" He called out, looking around.

There was no one there. Roxas was quite ready to believe it was just that spying old biddy again, but then he saw it. _Something_ was sitting there on the front porch.

Roxas knew exactly what the _thing_ sitting on their front porch was. Of course he did. It was glaringly obvious, clear from the moment he saw it. Still, he couldn't believe it, even though we've already covered its obviousness at least three times. And just to prove that he couldn't believe it, he simply /had/ to incredulously blurt out the name of this thing, for all the world (really just Axel) to hear.

"It's a _BABY_!"

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	2. Chapter 2

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**Title:** Candy from a Baby

**Author:** Txenriks

**Summary:** In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!

**Rating:** T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Sadly. We can only hope that Nomura-san will realize the error of his ways and bring Axel back to GLORIOUS LIFE.

Sorry about how the last chapter was mostly background info and stuff. There will be much happening later, I promise! I've got like, eleven chapters thought out. Beyond that, I'm fairly clueless, so... Suggestions for baby-related humor are appreciated greatly! Heehee!

(If you get all the references about Axel's "crazy old aunt" then I will LOVE you FOREVER XD)  
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**Chapter 2**

Axel, as always, remained completely unfazed. He darted to the door and stuck his head out past Roxas's shoulder, cereal spoon still dangling from his mouth. "A baby! Sweet!" He crowed in delight, snatching the child from its basket and cradling it to his chest. "We can be it's gay daddies! Hmm. Lesse, you can be called Little Axel. Or Axel Junior. Or Axel the Second. Or..."

"What if it's a girl?" Roxas interrupted dryly.

"Heh." Axel smirked mischeiviously at him. "Well, if its a girl, then we can call her _Roxas_." Roxas was about to smack his lover in the back of his head, except he saw something that Axel had missed, stuck to the front of the basket. So, he left Axel to take care of the baby (maybe that wasn't such a good idea) and picked it up. It was a letter, handwritten in script that was neat but shaky. Like the author had been worried at the time, or something.

"Dear Sir and/or Madam," the letter read. "I apologize for putting you through this trouble, but I am very desperate. I cannot go into details here, but I and my son are in great danger. I would sleep easier at night knowing that my son, at least, is safe. Please, take care of my baby until I can return. I give you my deepest gratitude, kind stranger."

Sheesh. Way to kill the mood, not that having to take care of someone's baby had actually put Roxas in a state of joy. Well... whoever this person was, they were lucky that Roxas still had two more weeks of vacation before school started. If this had happened during school, they wouldn't have been able to take care of it. Roxas brought the basket and the letter inside, and sat next to Axel, who was on the couch having a tickle fight with the baby. Roxas gave the letter to Axel.

After reading it, the redhead let out a low whistle. "Mommies and babies in danger, huh? That kind of makes us... baby heroes! Cool..."

"This is serious, Axel."

"But he's like a member of the family already! Look- he's got my eyes, and well, almost your hair..." Axel was right, in a way. The baby's eyes were actually a lot bluer and darker than Axel's own vibrant green, and the fuzz lining his scalp was a sort of platinum blond, though it had a whole lot more platinum than blond in it. But there was a sort of resemblance to Axel in the slim shape of the baby's big eyes, Roxas realized.

"In all seriousness, he does need a name..." Axel continued. "What about Doombringer Chaosman? Or The Infant Formerly Known as Baby? Or Master Chief? Or Papaya Grumblesburger the Eighth? OR..." Axel paused, smiling hopefully at Roxas, "...If you don't like any of those, we could always name him Aiden."

"Something tells me that you just really wanted to call him Aiden." As if in agreement to Roxas, the baby let out a sort of disapproving gurgly noise.

"It means 'Little Fire' in Gaelic..." Axel admitted sheepishly. "So, yeah. I kinda did."

"Fine. Aiden it is." Now, the baby's gurgly noise managed to sound excited and happy. But wait, babies weren't supposed to know what they were gurgling about. Roxas clapped a hand to his forehead- was he going insane from too many baby aromas?

"What I don't understand," Axel said as he tried to keep his grip on the squirming Aiden. "..is why anyone would give_ us_, out of all people, their baby."

"Well, you _do_ own the nicest house in the neighborhood. Probably, they thought we were some well-to-do old couple with big fat retirement checks and nothing better to do." Roxas frowned thoughtfully. "Hey... speaking of which, you never told me how you got this place."

Axel grinned his special madman's grin. "I inherited it when my crazy old aunt died. She was reeeally into real estate- and when I say 'reeeally', I _do_ mean OBSESSED. I think she actually died while trying to steal someone's mansion... You know, that mansion off of Naught's Highway?"

"The one that's owned by the CEO of the Zem-Nis Makeup Corporation?" Roxas asked incredulously, blue eye wide. Axel nodded in recognition.

"Yeah, the very same. She was a nimble old coot... made it past security and everything, but her heart gave out somewhere near the top floor. She was insane, anyway... I mean, how on earth do you _steal_ someone's _house_?"

Roxas shrugged, not knowing what to say. Axel always seemed to have the coolest relatives. His own family was... less than impressive. But he didn't have time to dwell on the inadequacies of his family relationships. Aiden was squirming with a lot more energy than before, and making a complaining sort of whiney noise.

"I think Aiden's hungry." Axel said automatically. "I should make an early brunch!"

"Babies his age only drink milk, Axel." Roxas interrupted quickly. He actually wasn't sure if the baby could eat soft foods yet or not, but the last thing he wanted was for Axel to try and feed him a hunk of wasabi, claiming that 'Wasabi _is_ a soft food!'.

"Well, what d'you expect me to do about that- start lactating!" Roxas twitched his nose, trying and failing to ignore the image of Axel with boobs. "...You can buy formula at the store, right? And we need all sorts of other baby stuff, like daipers and toys and-and... baby thermometers." The redhead drew in a deep breath, clearly attempting to resist the temptation to be perverted with that last one. "Um...so can you go buy them?"

"Why not you?"

"Because the baby isn't used to you yet! He likes me better."

"What!" Oh great. He'd tried not to get too attached to the kid, but already he was jealous. "He doesn't like you better than me... Here, give him to me and I'll prove it!"

Axel gave Roxas Aiden, who immediately started to cry.

Axel took the bawling baby back, grinning. "See? Usually babies like their mommies better, but apparently not in this case."

"I'm not a mommy."

"Don't worry, once he figures out that you're the one with the milk, he'll get over it, mommy."

"I'm not a mommy!"

"...Mommy must be jealous that you like me best, Aiden."

"Axel, for the LAST TIME- I'm NOT a MOMMY!"

"Ooo, someone's crabby. It must be mommy's time of the month, now isn't it?" Axel cooed. The baby giggled. Roxas made a noise the exact opposite of a giggle.

"You suck."

"Only for you, Roxy, only for you." Axel grinned and handed the shorter boy the keys to their car. "Don't forget the diaper rash ointment, now!"

----

...End 0;;

Review, and the power of cheese shall be yours!


	3. Chapter 3

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**Title:** Candy from a Baby

**Author:** Txenriks

**Summary:** In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!

**Rating:** T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts... Woe is me. I also don't own Gerbers, but who gives a brown bahookey about /that!

This chapter is... goofy. And random. Most of the following chapters follow some coherent plot, as you can prolly guess by the cliffhanger, but this is just pure... over the top baby humor. Plus there has to be some nonimportant-to-the-plot bonding time, right? ;; Don't kiiiiillll meeee... hides behind her keyboard

Oh my gawd its so RANDOM...! The next chapters will actually make sense, I swear... XP

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**Chapter 3**

Roxas managed to deposit his armful of baby supply-filled bags on the counter _before_ collapsing into a puddle of humiliation at Axel's feet.

"That... was awful. Worse than the time I had to buy pads for my mother." The Roxas-puddle moaned from somewhere near Axel's bare foot.

"...You had to buy pads for your mom? Poor thing..." Axel knelt down and somehow managed to pull Roxas into a hug with only one free hand (the other being occupied with an armful of Aiden). Roxas was glad, for the linoleum had been starting to become very uncomfortable. Okay, so it wasn't _that_ uncomfortable. But when it came down to it, he'd take being on top of Axel over being on top of linoleum anyday.

"Yeah. But the people kept on treating me like I had raped some girl and was getting her this stuff because I felt bad or something... Or maybe they just thought I was a creepy guy with a baby molesting fetish... I dunno... But they left me alone when I shouted at the top of my lungs, 'Its for my aunt's BABY SHOWER, you freaks!'... Thankfully. Otherwise they might have started mobbing me with their handbags." He nodded knowingly, and Axel unconsciously imitated the action. Yes, angry old ladies with handbags were very, very, frightening things to behold.

"Well," Axel began, trying to move off the subject of rioting old women, "Look at the bright side. You don't need to worry about buying _me_ pads or baby stuff! Until we run out of whatever you bought, of course. Or if I get a sex change, unlikely as that is."

"How lovely. Don't." Using Axel's noggin as leverage, Roxas pulled himself up off the floor then began to rifle through the bags until he found the package of formula. He opened it with a grunt, peeked inside curiously, and found... well what do you know? The package contained no formula of any kind. And to make matters worse, the single occupant of the box was nothing like formula at all.

Roxas pulled the thing out. It was an envelope, so bright and obnoxiously colored that he considered letting Axel burn it. He held a certain grudge against anything that resembled a clown, especially when the offending clownesque objects had cheated him out of Aiden's food.

The hideous envelope's firey demise would have to wait, though. Right now, Aiden was making shrill "feed meh!" noises that bored into their skulls. Good thing that Roxas had bought some small cans of mushy baby food, just in case. And a little portable collapsible high chair thing. That was Roxas, trying to always be prepared... he was like a fricken boy scout.

...They really should have known it was doomed from the beginning. It was just _too easy_. Aiden stayed perfectly still in Axel's arms as Roxas set up the high chair, and remained so even after they placed him in it. Roxas grabbed a spoon, popped the top off the little can of Gerbers whatever-flavored mush, and took a deep breath.

"Here goes nothing..."

----

Baby food got on the ceiling, the floor, in Axel's hair, down Roxas's pants... anywhere and everywhere _except_ Aiden's mouth.

"Now, Aiden," Axel cooed, looking a little frightened by the baby's mad food-throwing skillz. "...Be a good little boy and-" He stopped talking, having gotten a large glob of creamed corn smack in the face, courtesy of Aiden. Roxas ducked behind the taller redhead.

"Don't let him smell your fear!" He cried, peeking over Axel's shoulder. Meanwhile, Axel was practically steaming, wiping little kernel bits out of his eyes.

"That's it! Come here, you little..." Arming himself with a spoonful of gunk, Axel gave a battle cry and leaped into the (baby!) fray. There was an epic (baby!) battle, the likes of which are far too intense and gruesome to tell on this page. Aiden giggled, as Axel ended up flat on his back, the spoonful of baby food stuck into his own mouth. "Mmm. Carrots"  
Roxas helped him up, mostly out of concern but partially because he wanted his human shield back.

"Thanks, Roxy, I- No, Aiden! Put the applesauce down!"

Apparently, Aiden's grasp on the English language was minimal, because he most certainly did not put the applesauce down. Or rather, he did put it down... just, very forcefully and in Axel's general direction. Who would have known such strength lay hidden in all those chubby rolls of baby fat?

Anyway, there was the applesauce, flying through the air like a mushy, preservative-filled missile. In a sudden bout of courage, Roxas flung himself in the path of the oncoming glob. You could almost see the cheesy, slow-mo effect as it splattered all over his neck. Roxas's lunge had been a little overenthusiastic, and he would have fallen flat on his face if Axel hadn't caught him. Thankfully, Axel _did_ catch him, which just racked up the cheese-tastic cliche points like no tommorow.

The redhead looked down at Roxas, trying his best not to break down laughing. "Um... Roxas, it's okay. I could have handled a little applesauce. You didn't need to do that..."

"But it was _fun_." Roxas replied with a smirk. He looked up at Axel through his eyelashes, licking some of the applesauce off his fingers. He didn't notice when Axel's brow furrowed thoughtfully, or that the arms holding him twitched in timing with his every lick. Axel's eyes narrowed as the dirty thoughts that had been brewing in his head finally came to fruition.

Roxas paused mid-lick. He knew that look. He knew it very, very, intimately well. It was the "I'm-about-to-do-something-that-they-can- only-get-away-with-on-the-Discovery-Channel" look. Hoo boy!

"Here, Rox... Lemme help you with that..." Axel offered, grinning ever-so-innocently.

"A-Axel!"

"What? You're so messy, and I'm just helping to _clean_ you."

"With your _tounge?_ C'mon, what sort of example are we setting for Aiden?"

"A good one. Make love, not war. We did the war, so now it's lovin' time." The words were a little muffled, seeing as how a good portion of Roxas's neck was in the way. "Besides, it's not like he's never seen his own parents kiss before."

"Kissing, is that what you call it? I thought you were training to become a vampire." Axel hastily unlatched his teeth from Roxas's ear at this, smiling sheepishly.

"But you can't _possibly_ lick all this applesauce off aloooone, Roxas!"

"I could have used a washcloth." Roxas's protests were merely speculative now, seeing as how Axel had already gotten most of the applesauce off of him.

"You what? You're cheating on me with a washcloth? Tut, tut, Roxas." But Axel did stop, pulling away with a very reluctant sigh. Roxas snorted- what did Axel think he was complaining for? He'd just licked Roxas's neck about sixty times, you'd think he'd be _ecstatic_...

Meanwhile, Aiden had busied himself by eating all the food that had remained in his bowl.

"Oh!" Roxas exclaimed, eyes wide. "He must've really wanted to feed himself..." He looked around to see the damage. Well... they could clean the floor and countertops... And they could always say that the food adorning the walls was a lovely abstract mural. And he had just learned that Axel's tounge was fully capable of handling things in the 'cleaning ourselves' department. All in all, not half bad for one baby-feeding. He would have almost been proud of himself, except that the entire ordeal could have been avoided if they'd just thought to see if the baby was old enough to hold a spoon. Yeah, that part of it reeked.

"What's that smell?" Axel asked curiously.

"Defeat. Or possibly the new interior decorating."

"No, I mean _that_ smell. The one that's enough to gag a maggot!"

Roxas was startled out of his thoughts by Axel's...unique...choice of words. "Gag... a _maggot_."

"Well, 'smells bad' wouldn't be nearly as _memorable_, don't you think?" Axel replied, pinching his nose between two fingers. Roxas nodded, then sniffed experimentally, wondering how bad a smell would have to be to gag a maggot.

As it turns out, pretty bad.

"I think Aiden probably needs his diaper changed." Roxas said with a groan.

"Okay, well... you do that, and I'll just go to... place and get the... thing." He tried to sneak off upstairs, but was held back by a Roxas-shaped anchor that had somehow latched onto his arm.

"I already went shopping. You're changing the diaper, Axel." Roxas tried to sound forceful, but it was a little difficult to be manly when you're talking about diapers and the changing thereof.

"Yeah, sure. When pigs fly!"

Somewhere in the verdant green hills of Ding Dong, Texas, a group of cowboys heard a very strange noise that rudely interrupted their midnight calf-roping party. It sounded like a mix between Wile E. Coyote falling from a cliff, and a very distressed potbellied pig. And whatever it was, it was heading for their camp at a high speed.

The noise was cut off by a loud, wet, thud. And the cowboys decided to investigate like the bright young individuals they are. What they actually found (after several minutes of getting their boots caught in various cacti) was the remains of a large sow. To be more precise, they found the remains of something that had once been a large sow, but now looked a whole lot more like a pancake. After much thinking, they still couldn't figure out what would cause a pig to splatter itself across the countryside, so they sat down and had themselves a pork dinner.

To make a long story get to the point already, Axel ended up changing the diaper. (The fact that someone living a few miles west of the cowboys' camp had just invented the Pigapult has no place in this equation. Yep, just pure coincidence. Really!)

However, the deed was done with a great deal of "eeeww"-ing and "uuugh"-ing and much throwing away of latex gloves. Which annoyed Roxas to the point that he almost wished he had just done it himself. It wasn't so much the complaining that annoyed him, it was more so that Axel was wasting perfectly good latex that could have been put to much... better use. But we'll just keep that our little secret, because Axel's supposed to be the perverted one.

Aiden promptly fell asleep after the ordeal, and both Roxas and Axel were looking like they'd enjoy following suit.

Exhausted, Roxas leaned against the kitchen counter. He was surprised to feel his hand brush against something soft, and looked down at the whatever-it-was. Oh, right. The annoying envelope that had cost him eleven-something munny. He'd forgotten about it in all of today's utter chaos. He was pretty sure that Axel was too tired to burn anything just yet... And anyway, Roxas's curiosity overcame his dislike of all things clown.  
So he tore it open and read what the contents said, unconsciously running his free hand through his soft blonde spikes.

----

Huh! this ones really long, isn't it? Sorry. XD

If anyone happens to live in Ding Dong, I apologize. I just chose it cuz it has a funny name. And yes, its a real place. XP

Oh, and if you happen to wonder how the cowboys knew the velocity of the mysterious noise-making thing, its because one of the cowboys was well-versed in the physics equations for the Doppler effect, doi! The equation being:

Heard Frequency Actual Frequency ( VelocityE/(VelocityR + vd))

heh. Silly, all cowboys know the Doppler effect by heart! Didncha know that?

Quoth my friend Monica: **"Apparently Axel likes the taste of baby food, and some of it went down Roxas's pants, sooo he should..."** I'll just leave it at that, mm?

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	4. Chapter 4

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**Title:** Candy from a Baby

**Author:** Txenriks

**Summary:** In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!

**Rating:** T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Roxas or Axel or Kingdom Hearts in general... Because if I did, they'd wear fishnets. Lots and lots of fishnets. Especially fishnet vests…yes.

I apologize for the wait on this chapter. I've been very busy with my DA account. Nothing much else to say, except I LUFF YOU ALL! Keep commenting and such! showers with cookie dough

So, anyway…

In the previous chapter- dun dun duuun! – Roxas has some letter-related suspense going on! Ooh! What's in the letter? Find out in the next few paragraphs! Ah! collapses

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**Chapter 4**

The typical letter tries to draw its reader in with some sort of introduction. Whether its "Dear Roxas," or "To whom it may concern," or even "To the owner of the bright blue minivan, your vehicle is being towed," these brief interludes at the beginnings of letters serve to calm the reader, and assure them that, no matter how effed up your life is right now, somebody out there was sane enough and kind enough to take the time to write a nice little note at the beginning of their message to you. After all, it's the little things that seem to make all the difference in the world. By writing a tiny little greeting, you can make someone's day that much easier.

Unfortunately, this letter was no typical letter, and it had absolutely no interest whatsoever in making Roxas's day easier. For, instead of a greeting or opening, the letter skipped straight to one very large word in shocking neon green font that took up roughly three fourths of the page. Points given for brevity and enthusiasm, Mr. Letter, but demerits for nearly making Roxas's corneas bleed.

"CONGRATULATIONS!" The letter practically _screamed _at him. Roxas would have winced, except…well...that would be wincing at a letter, which seemed a rather dumb thing to do. "YOU ARE THE LUCKY WINNER OF OUR SPECIAL OFFER, LIMITED TIME ONLY, FIND-THE-FORMULA-BOX-WITHOUT-ANY-FORMULA-IN-IT GIVEAWAY! Your grand prize is two front-row tickets to the Oblivion concert on August thirteenth. (tickets included in this envelope)." The letter went on to describe about all the legal terms and about how they were now being put on a mailing list to every junk-mail manufacturer in the eastern seaboard, but Roxas really could care less. His mind spasmed in delight as five little words sang a chorus in his ear.

Front row tickets…Oblivion concert…!

And to think, he'd nearly had Axel burn the letter…Take _THAT_, dramatic irony! Haha!

He'd known vaguely that Oblivion had been coming to town for a few months now, but he'd just sort of shrugged it off as one of those when-hell-freezes-over type things. I mean, the tickets had literally been sold out seconds after the lead singer had looked over at his bandmates and said, "Hey… I think it might be cool to go on a tour, y'know?" And his drummer replied, "Tour yes."

Roxas wasn't a rabid fanboy or anything, oh no. He liked the band a lot and knew all their songs, but so did every other teen in the universe. He could have just bought the CD and gone on with life, he really could have. But, come on! Tickets! To the possibly coolest quasi-Goth rock band EVER's concert! There was no way anyone under fifty would pass that up.

His body decided to take things into its own hands, and his brain was left sitting at home eating ice cream and wondering why it hadn't been invited to the party. He gave a little whoop, ran around the room spastically, and then glomped Axel, throwing his arms around the taller redhead's neck.

"Roxas…? Did you break into my box of vodka-filled chocolates again?" Axel asked curiously, a little winded from nearly being strangled. But he was soon cut off by a very obnoxious envelope being waved in front of his face.

"You'll never guess what I found in the box of formula." Roxas said, snatching the letter away before Axel could see what it said, his eyes shining and face flushed with excitement. Axel found it very difficult to focus on this whole "guessing game" business; the majority of his thoughts were centered on how flushing was a good look for Roxas, and how much _better_ he would look wearing nothing but a belt, while feeding Axel grapes.

"Hmmm… Um, just tell me."

"Nuuuu." Roxas replied, holding the envelope out of reach while simultaneously dancing little pirouettes. "You have to guess."

Now curiosity had overcome Axel's grape-belt-lust, and he was rather annoyed. So he tackled Roxas, straddling him (okay, so maybe not all of his grape-belt-lust had worn off just yet) and managing to obtain the envelope through some well-placed tickle torture.

His emerald eyes perused the page, a smile slowly spreading across his lips. "Tickets to Oblivion, hmmm? This is…fantastic!"

Roxas grinned up at Axel, his happiness somehow multiplying tenfold of what it had been only seconds before. It reminded him of when he was a child, and he'd gotten some sort of cool action figure for his birthday. He'd been so thrilled, so happy in the way that only little kids can be- but what had been even better was the feeling that came when he showed the toy to his friends and saw his joy mirrored in their faces. Or like when he'd worked so hard on a portrait of his parents, and he just couldn't keep a goofy smile off his face when they told him how much they loved it. There was just something so satisfying about making your loved ones happy.

But this was Axel we're talking about, and therefore, through Roxas's logic, it was much better than some old toy or drawing. And Roxas knew that Axel was probably even more excited than he was- Axel had been pretty into the whole flamer-junkee-goth-punk deal during his tweens, testified by his hair, tattoos, and certain piercings in areas that are not typically disclosed to the public.

"The only thing I don't understand," Roxas began conversationally, letting his hands rest onto Axel's thighs, "…is why they put the tickets into formula boxes. Why would a new mother want to go to a gothic rock concert?"

"It's for the babies, Roxy. It's never too late to start on the whole teenage depression shebang." Axel began to tap his fingers along Roxas's ribcage thoughtfully. It had been a while since he and Roxas had done anything special… well, anything special outside of his house anyway. And he really wanted to go. Quite apart from his love for every concert known to man, there was another, far more important reason for him wanting to get out of the house.

He had an itch. A very particular itch that he was positively _dying_ to scratch. Most guys got this itch every few weeks or so, but with Axel it was more like a couple of days. And he'd been a good little boy for long enough now, his brain (which had recently migrated to its vacation home in the nether regions of his body) reckoned.

There was just one small obstacle between him and his… "backscratcher", if you will. An adorable, pudgy little diaper-wearing obstacle named Aiden, to be exact.

"…Speaking of babies, Rox… What're we gonna do about Aiden?"

"…I was hoping you had an idea."

"Well…" Axel began, licking his lips. "We could hire a babysitter, just for the concert." Roxas seemed about to interject, but Axel raised a hand to quiet him. "We could even ask her to watch Aiden for the entire night. Think about it, Roxas. The entire night. Alone. Together. Just us, and my oxymorons." He leaned back, letting the meaning of what he was proposing sink in for a moment.

Roxas blushed furiously and wriggled out from Axel's hold, sitting cross-legged on the tile. "But Axel, think about it. What self-respecting babysitter would feel comfortable taking a job from someone like us? Not to mention that with my luck, they'll gossip about us to all their friends and somehow, word'll get out to my parents!" He frowned and rubbed his cheek with the palm of one hand. "It's probably not even legal that we're taking care of the kid… So what're we gonna do?"

Axel eyed him in a way that made Roxas wish he hadn't spoken. "You know, Roxas, you're absolutely right. And I think I have just the solution."

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Dontcha just adore cliffhangers?

And extended itchy metaphors? ….yes.

I apologize again for the wait. Visit my DA page if you'd like to see what I did when I was supposed to be typing this, my username is Txenriks.

Reviewers will secure a place in the "Hall of Really Coolio People" as well as be entered in a drawing for the presidency of the small country nation, Quizbekistan.


	5. Chapter 5

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**Title:** Candy from a Baby

**Author:** Txenriks

**Summary:** In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!

**Rating:** T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!

**Disclaimer:** I make it my policy to try and own many things. I enjoy owning things… However Axel and Roxas, as of yet, are not counted in the list of my numerous possessions…

Hola peeps! Five chapters up now… Is this some sort of milestone? Should I break out the champagne and the fancy dress suits? Maybe we'll just skip all that and go straight to the rum or vodka or something… Which reminds me…Everyone seems to make Axel a drunkard or a smoker in their AU fanfics. But he's so skinny! That means everything affects him more than usual. So… when he drinks a bottle of vodka, and gets completely wasted, the equivalent's like a fat guy drinking six bottles of vodka or something. Sheesh. What a party animal.

OMFG I am so sorry it took this long, guys! I kept procrastinating, and then getting delays or problems with my computer every time I actually wanted to work! Ah, I hope to be more diligent in the future.

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**Chapter 5**

"No."

"Yes."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"HELLA no!"

"Hella YES."

It was big, frilly, and worst of all, it was pink. Plus, Roxas was sure he'd seen it try to wriggle away from Axel's grip. It was a dress. An evil, PINK, _possessed_ dress. No way was he wearing this. Guys don't wear evil, PINK, possessed dresses, no matter how much they secretly enjoyed looking at other guys in the men's locker room!

Roxas regarded the thing, his expression one of utmost horror and distaste. "'No' means 'NO', Axel." He spat, trying to back further away from the hideous thing. Considering that he'd already put ten or so feet between it and him, and that the wall pressing against his back was quite solid, it's not surprising that he failed.

"But Roxas- don't you understand the plan?" Axel asked innocently, tilting his head to one side and resting his elbow on the counters.

"Of course I do. And it's not that bad of a plan… One of us has to dress up like a girl, to fool the babysitters into thinking we're not a gay couple."

"So what's the problem then?"

Roxas muttered something under his breath, lower lip threatening to go into a pout. Axel poked him until he repeated himself more loudly. "I don't want to be the woman, okay?! Why does it have to be me? You have much longer hair than I do…"

"Plenty of girls have short hair, Roxy. I'm more concerned about our heights. People tend to freak out and stare when they see a really tall girl with a pint-sized guy. I mean, it's like a gag from some dumb comedy flick or something. Not to mention that you're the only one of us who can still speak in falsetto."

"…What do you mean? My voice _is_ higher pitched than yours, but I totally do _not_ speak in falsetto." Roxas protested, confused. He decided that the whole "pint-sized" comment did not even merit a response. It was true, after all, no matter how much it killed him to admit it.

"Not _normally_, maybe. But you _can_." Axel grinned as he said this, tapping his fingers on the countertop. Roxas shook his head, still uncomprehending. How very…naïve of him. It was during these times that Axel could believe he was looking at the twin brother of Sora. Most other times, the resemblance in their personalities was almost nonexistent.

The redhead was too impatient to explain. He decided to just skip right to the point. The next time Roxas blinked, he sneaked closer to the blonde, slipping his hands up Roxas's shirt and gently dragging his fingernails along the younger boy's spine. Taken by surprise, Roxas wriggled, gasped, and let out a very soft, very _falsetto_ moan. Axel giggled, a self-satisfied smirk spreading across his face as he hastily beat a retreat to the other side of the kitchen. Roxas glared at him, sputtering angrily and trying to regain his dignity.

"Th-that's not fair!"

"Life's not fair, babe." Axel retorted, now performing a small victory dance from his relative safety at the opposite end of the room. "And anyway, even if all my other arguments weren't true, you'd still make a much, much cuter girl than I ever could."

"'Cute', huh? Might as well just call me girly, and get it over with." Roxas looked away, crossing his arms over his chest. "I mean, if you –had- to force me into drag, you could have at least picked a dress that's well, I dunno, a little less hideous?! Or better yet, you could have gotten me some normal girl clothes, because girls do _not_ wear this kind of crap any more." Roxas was speaking from experience; a few days earlier, he'd noticed a lovely blouse at the mall that had matched his eyes… No, stop. Be a man, Roxas…if not for much longer.

"Wearing girl pants would have just _emphasized_ the fact that you're a guy. Why do you think gay guys wear them in the first place?" Axel let out a huffy sigh, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I could have… I dunno, held a handbag in my lap or something."

Axel looked affronted. "First the washcloth, and now you're talking about cheating on me with a handbag? Kinky."

Roxas sighed, resting his forehead against the wall. A few moments passed, then came Roxas's muffled acquiescence. "…Fine. I'll wear the damn thing."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than Axel let out a happy cry (though whether it was from anticipation of seeing Roxas in drag, or from relief of not having to wear the dress himself, no one knows) and swept him off to the bathroom, the dress in tow and billowing out behind them as they went.

After some general wrestling, struggling, wondering where the hell all those extra straps go, and much shrieking all around, the deed was done. Axel bustled him upstairs and held him up in front of a mirror, grinning like he'd just won the lottery. Roxas picked anxiously at some frills on his stomach, face red as Axel's hair. He tugged desperately at the lace draped over his shoulders, hoping that the dress would rip, or tear, or spontaneously combust- _anything_ to get it off of him. However, the dress was much sturdier than it looked, and it refused to humor him. Shit.

"S-so… when do the babysitters start coming?" Roxas asked, still feeling awkward and flustered. Axel pulled back his sleeve and snuck a peek at his wristwatch.

"Oh, about twenty minutes."

"Well, that's just lovely. Twenty minutes extra stuck inside this thing." Roxas tapped his chin thoughtfully with one slender finger. "I wonder what I should do to kill time…"

At these words, Axel perked up ever so slightly. He had thought that Roxas would be angry at him for the dress thing; much too angry for them to sneak in anything "fun" before the sitters started arriving for interviews. But if all that was true… then why was Roxas steadily advancing on him, one corner of his mouth quirked into a smug smile?

"…Roxas?" Axel began, somewhat hopefully.

"…Yes?" Roxas replied, smiling sweetly. His hands snuck behind the counter for a moment, and came back wielding a large, filthy broom.

It's a good thing most of their neighbors happened to be out doing errands, otherwise they might have heard a similar conversation to this:

"Ah! No, Roxy… Let's be reasonable about this… Put the broom down! No! Don't do it! Not the face! Spare my baby! Aaaah! Domestic violence! Domestic Violence! Somebody call the ASPCA! Or the CSI! Or whatever… Anyway, Domestic Violence! Ugggh aaugggh UUUH ooof grahh erg gruh ahhhhghu uuuuuugg mmmuuurg…"

"…"

"…Awooga?"

"No awooga. I haven't even hit you yet, you great flaming sissy. Now shut up before you wake Aiden." He said, smacking Axel's behind once with the broom before tossing it off to the side.

"The babysitters will be coming soon and I- What?" Roxas stopped mid-sentence as he noticed that Axel was studying him intensely. Studying his _chest_, to be exact. It was a very nice chest to be sure, especially if you happened to be Axel, but hardly one that could pass as being feminine.

The redhead stepped forward, resting his nose on the patch of pale skin revealed by the dress's sagging, unsupported neckline, startling a shriek out of the blonde boy. "Roxas… We're going to need some water balloons."

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Anyway, come on guys. I know you're out there! Well over a thousand hits (0-;; Ahh! I'm so honored!) and yet only 20 reviews? Tch, you guys can do better than that. Don't make me break out the churros, I'll whoop y'all over the head with them. And believe me when I say that fried cinnamon-ey goodness is VERY hard to get out of the hair, ne?

So the winner of the Quizbekistan contest is SHIGUNA…! Um, not sure what that means exactly, but… Oh well.


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